A Letter To You

I can't believe it's been 14 years already. That’s such a long time. The boys have grown into young men. They haven’t seen you since they were babies. All of my memories feel like yesterday. I remember things vividly—every detail, smell, and emotion. I can paint a picture of it all.

Our love was complicated. The affection wasn’t always there, as you were still growing and finding yourself, which I have grown to understand. I forgive you for so much, and I'm happy that I have. Through it all, you were perfect for me, as I was for you. They say we choose our parents, and I am so grateful that I chose you.

With the limited time we had together, each moment was precious. I miss your smile and your laugh. I even miss seeing you go outside to smoke a cigarette. Ugh, what I would give to watch you smoke another cigarette. To brush my hair too rough. To blast Mary J. on a Sunday while you show me how to properly wipe down your glass coffee table.

I would give up every materialistic item I've ever owned just to hold your hand again. Damn, I just wanna hear you laugh. This hurts no less than the last time I saw you. But now that I'm older, I process it differently. It hurts more.

Because as a child, I just knew you weren’t coming back. But as I accomplish and experience new things, it stings—because I just wanna share them with you. I want advice from you on how to do things. Maybe you’re the only person who can teach me how to use a can opener, because God knows nobody has been able to teach me.

It’s funny because one of the main things I wanna do with you is take a selfie and post it on my Twitter and go viral because of how much we look alike. As cliché as it sounds, it’s really the little things.

Your baby sister has done an amazing job. She has become my best friend and the only person who could come second to you. But even with all my support, I still feel like something’s missing.

For so long, I felt as if I was just floating through life, belonging to nothing and no one. As if me and the boys were all alone. It hurts so damn bad. I just wanna have you sit in the bed with me as we talk about absolutely nothing, watch movies, or maybe even nap together.

As a kid, I never wanted to sleep in my own bed—always needed to sleep on you, literally. Your touch was always comforting. No matter what we went through, you were the reassuring thing in my life. My only sense of stability.

You were an amazing woman in your physical life. And so many people saw that, felt that, simply experienced that—even if only for a little bit. You were always someone’s angel on Earth.

People see me now and are just so amazed by how much I look like you. I just wish you were standing beside me physically when they say that. I never doubt my beauty, because to doubt me is to doubt you.

Your smile lit up every room you walked into. Your energy and aura were out of this world. Your imperfections made you human, but your soul made you divine. It is an honor to be your child—your only daughter, your oldest.

Even though I was so young, I felt like we were best friends. And it's the reason that I hope one day, when I’m ready, I have a daughter. I know that you will shine through her too.

I can never doubt my power because of you. The only reason I can be at peace in life is because of my belief in the afterlife. I feel your presence in times of success and doubt equally.

When I am unsure, you guide me. When I am restless, you ease me. I feel you. I feel you in the quiet of my room, in the solo jam sessions to Neo Soul in my car. I feel you when Aunt Catrina comforts me, plays with me, and when I call her “Mom.” I feel you through her; I see you through her.

As I have grown spiritually, I never feel alone anymore. You have not gone away—you are simply in another form. You are protecting and guiding me in ways beyond what the physical body could do.

I always hated going to your gravesite every year because I just knew you weren’t there. I always found it pointless. You are everywhere. You are beside me as I write this. You are in the boys’ room as they play the game.

There is contentment in my sadness. There is acceptance in my sorrow. There is understanding in my anger. You have never left our side.

Every synchronicity I notice after asking for a sign or guidance is from you. Every penny I notice when I’m down is your reminder to me that everything is going to be alright.

My anxiety has been bad lately. And now that my head is cleared, going forward, I know that I should never worry again. Because as long as you’re here, everything will be okay. And you’re always here.

I was going to end this letter here, but I keep hearing in my head: “Absent from the body, and present with the Lord.” … and that, I believe you are.

I love you always.

Love,BeBe