You are Love(d)

The other day in therapy, my therapist had me read something that helps you better understand anxiety — and when I tell you I immediately broke down and cried soooo hard. And it felt good! It felt soooo damn good.

Being in survival mode — I’ve realized that it’s gotten to the point where I naturally cannot cry in front of others. It makes me feel as if I make them uncomfortable or like I’m putting my issues onto them. But in reality, I need to change the way I view my vulnerability.

As a child, I was at times deprived of being emotional without negative judgment or backlash. And then as an adult, when I tried to be emotional — I mean, naturally I may have held back at times — but also, the people in my life weren’t always receptive in the way I needed, or not receptive at all.

Plenty of times, I’ve been made to feel that the way my emotions are expressed, or the fact that I even have any toward certain situations, was bad or unnecessary. I’m aware that I overthink at times, but it would help to not be shut down. I’d at least like to be comforted — by those I value and love most, especially.

The fact that I value relationships and togetherness, but some closest to me were probably the ones who invalidated my emotions the most… that shit hurts. A lot. Like, why not comfort me? Or console me? Just see why I feel the way I do? Or if ya know, just fuckin’ hug me! I need a hug, dammit… just something. 

But something that has help me process all of this the most and ultimately heal was to write letters to my younger selves in hope they can now feel seen and comforted:

Dear younger Rayana,

How Mom reacted that day really hurts us. And it is okay that it did. It was so confusing — why she say that to you when all you wanted was a hug. But I just want you to know that the way she reacted toward you… a lot of the time was never your fault. She just didn’t know how to understand her own emotions.

See, she went through a lot and was hurting about things she never talked about… just like us. But it’s okay, because we forgive her. She knows she hurt us. She knows it was wrong. But bebe, just know that she loves you. You are the most important thing to her on this earth! You’re her favorite person.

She just didn’t know how to really respond — and that’s okay. It’s good that you are sweet. That you like to give hugs and kisses. That’s what makes you so special. You’re full of love.

Mom rejecting us that day was so confusing. But whatever you do, don’t stop being you. People just don’t always know how to respond to your kind of love. Which is a good thing. You can show them. You don’t have to be afraid to show love to people anymore or be affectionate. It’s not a bad thing. It makes us feel so, so good — especially when we are sentimental.

People are never rejecting your love, Ray. They simply do not understand it fully. But that’s fine. Spread love whenever you want. I promise it’ll be worth it. If nothing else, just know it’s okay to love and be loved. Never stop — and don’t feel bad, okay? I know we closed off and stopped being affectionate, but we don’t have to anymore.

— Love, Ray

Dear college Rayana,

I am so sorry for all that you went through in middle school. We were indeed doing a lot and getting in a lot of trouble, but at the same time, we were going through a lot. With the confusion with our mom, a lot of things were hard to put into thoughts.

We were young and still learning how to express ourselves — we weren’t bad. We actually did a good job with healing during this time, unknowingly. We wrote a lot… and we are getting back to that! It is such a good feeling, right?

Ultimately, you learned a few lessons in middle school. For instance, we learned that hurt people hurt people and don’t always know any better. Nobody could really understand what we were going through.

But you know what? At least now you’ve found your voice. But we gotta understand when it’s worth using. Because that’s our energy too. There have been many situations lately that have taught you how people’s behaviors overall aren’t even a reflection of you or related to you, but rather their own issues they haven’t taken time to write down and understand.

But yes — it hurts a lot when you are handled with minimum conversation or compassion. And now that we’ve had a few experiences, we can recognize when we are feeling a way and express it. And if it’s rejected, at least we understand now that it’s more about them and their upbringing or something personal — vs you.

Never internalize someone's shortcomings and allow them to become your own, Ray. Love you!!