Changes

This whole moving to a brand new place shit is crazy. Off rip, I was ready to leave home because I genuinely felt that there was nothing left for me back in Connecticut. Same place, same people, same drama, same environment. I was suffocating. I’m pretty sure that was partially why I couldn’t keep from having so many panic attacks at one point. I just felt as if I had no purpose—my life was meaningless. It got to the point where I just felt like I was living in a never-ending cycle.

I wish it was talked about more—the feeling of uselessness that becomes you once you return home from college. Granted, I didn’t go far. It was still a different experience. And coming to your hometown might feel good at first… like after the first few months, but after that?? IDK man.

But anyways, finally having a chance to leave versus it actually happening is wild. Because once I actually got the opportunity, I got scared. But like a good kind of scared. As if the possibilities were endless—because essentially, they were. Going to a whole new place gave me the chance to reinvent myself or, in reality, figure out who I really am.

So much of you is tied to where you’re from, who you know, and what you’ve been through. And now, as I’m interested in getting to know who I am without the predisposed factors—no attachments, commitments, nothing but me.

It’s been four-ish months now, and while in the beginning I felt so free and full of life, I’m at the point where I feel lost and overwhelmed. It’s the reality of literally being all alone. I can’t just drive down the street to my cousin’s house for Sunday dinner or go downstairs at my house to watch movies with my siblings.

As much as I hate to admit it, I’m homesick as hell. But at the same time… I find it to be a privilege to even be in the position to experience the feeling of being homesick. Because so many people can’t say that. Not everyone gets the opportunity to reinvent themselves—to start fresh and positive.

So eventually, I’m gonna get my shit together, but per usual I just need to cry about it first lol.

I always told myself that if I ever had a chance to leave home, I would never look back or consider returning. But now that I’m gone, the idea of being far away from family and not being able to see my loved ones but once or twice a year makes me feel otherwise.

But at the same time, I know what’s best for me and what I need—and right now, regardless of my feelings in the moment, I’m pretty sure I’m exactly where I need to be.