Why Not You?

As much as I said I wanted this new job, prayed for it, deep-dived into the application process, and have spoken about it as if it was already mine — I'm having a hard time grasping the idea that I actually have it now. Like, even reading through the tasks that I am expected to complete and then reading about the accomplishments of others — realizing that one day, that will be me — is frightening.

It's not like I can really sit here and say I don't believe it — because it's literally happening. But it's like this overwhelming, “oh shit” type of feeling that I have right now that makes me feel like I could freak out at any moment. This was a similar feeling I had on the first days of classes at my PWI. I was overwhelmed and stunned.

The best way I could describe it is like having an out-of-body experience — like in the movies where you're paralyzed and everything else around you is just moving so fast. Or as if you’re dreaming and become conscious of that and try to wake up, and then freak out??? I'm not even sure if that truly makes any sense, but that's where I'm at currently.

And you would think that I would be excited more than anything else, but honestly, I'm scared and slightly intimidated. All of the scary “what ifs” have made their way to the front of my mind. The work I'm being asked to do seems way more serious than anything I’ve ever done, and the people it’ll affect is much greater… I’ve become important. The work I am in now is important. It matters. More than ever.

Every application and interview I have gone through, speaking about my dreams and goals and aspirations… and now I'm here. And instead of being proud, I'm nervous. Instead of simply being grateful for God’s grace and constant presence in my life, I'm finding excuses for why this cannot be.

When you’ve wanted something for so damn long and then finally get it, I guess sometimes it takes a minute to seep in that it's here. Especially if life hasn’t always been the nicest to you. Imposter syndrome is soooo real, and I think that’s where I'm at.

What if I make a mistake? What if I don’t understand? What if I can’t keep up? What if people see me as incompetent?

Although these are all very loud thoughts in my head right now, I know the result of allowing the negative to take the reins — and I have vowed to never give in to that again. So, just like I tell my people when they have similar situations:

“God (or the universe) wouldn’t put you in a room that you weren’t meant for. That you didn’t belong in. That you were not purposeful for.”

Even if things don't go as expected, there’s always a reason for the opportunities that open for us. Whether it is to show us how to improve, to make an impact, or even to simply open another door — it is not by mistake.

So regardless of anything, I'm deserving of the space that I am occupying, and I am meant to be here. If I can’t take a chance on myself and believe that I can rise to the occasion, then how can anyone else?

My dreams are simply realities that my future self is already experiencing. I have already seen where I am going, and the only one who can guarantee that is me. So I'm gonna show up as my best self and put on a brave face — even if I don't feel it at the moment — because the energy we put out is the energy that becomes our reality.

In times like these, although temporary, I find it important to interrupt my negative thoughts with ones that challenge them in some way or another — until that challenging thought becomes my baseline.

And for this scenario and scenarios alike, the one thing I plan to keep asking myself in these moments is simply:

“Why not you?”